This hit me so hard and here’s why (source for picture):
At least one time a day, everyday, I think to myself, “I wish I’d just die.” And then I sit there and I start evaluating how I’ve felt in the past when telling myself the same thing, and EVERY single day I realize that I’m feeling worse than the last. I thought at some point in my life that I could never take my own life. I value too much to leave. And I realize that every single day I’m stepping closer to a cliff and one day I’m just going to jump off. Or in other words, everyday I’m one step closer to doing something that I, at some point in my life, strongly felt I could never do, that I’d be too afraid to do, and now every single day I’m favoring that over living. I’m feeling more and more defeated every single day.
Mental illnesses of any kind are a fucking death sentence. It slowly wears away at your sanity and your inner fight and your willingness to get out of bed and to eat. It may not put some of its victims in a casket, but I promise they’re dying internally. It literally destroys lives.
“But Marilyn! It’s all in your head!” Yes, my friend! The same way kidney disease is in your kidneys. Mental illness effects me physically, as well. I lose my appetite, and I lose weight, and then I gain an excessive appetite and gain weight rapidly. I’m developing an ulcer in my chest caused by nothing more than the stress afflicted by my brain. Some days, my brain says “nope” and literally tries to force me to sleep. I throw up often because of the pain in my chest from all that’s going on “in my head.”
Mental illness is so brutally agonizing to the point that I often wish to myself that I’d die in my sleep, or develop a deadly illness so that I can be put out of my misery and not at my own hand.
Mental illnesses are so neglected and its seriously one of the biggest causes of deaths in the U.S. alone.
“Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S.(more common than homicide) and the third leading cause of death for ages 15 to 24 years. More than 90 percent of those who die by suicide had one or more mental disorders.“ (source: National Alliance on Mental Illness FACTS and NUMBERS SHEET- See MORE FACTS and all of their references there as well.)
Please feel free to share your story or how mental illness effects you.
I hope that one day the stigma will be fully broken.